A FAREWELL

i am in mourning. two days ago, during the last of our daily phone calls, my love interest revealed to me that she wanted to end our relationship. this was a bolt out of the blue, as she had been sitting on her negative feelings for some time without communicating them to me, or giving us a chance to work through them. as with any couple, there were little things in each of us that bugged the other. unlike most past relationships i've entered into, J and i shared a high degree of mutual empathy, humor, sensuality, and the willingness to risk sharing our thoughts and feelings into intimate realms others rarely dare to enter.

she has certain perceptions of my behavior which she finds oppressive. i think her perceptions are distorted (through lenses which i shall not reveal, out of respect for her privacy). in my view there is nothing we could not have solved. but she ultimately admitted that she doesn't want to put in the work needed for any solid relationship to succeed. she says she is content to live alone, enjoying her circle of friends and the recreational activities she pursues.

all of which is inconsistent with her having sought out a relationship online to begin with. but there've been a number of contradictions in her attitudes and behavior (this being my perception, which in turn may be distorted), which might have been interpreted as red flags. i chose to live in hope. i still do.

the usual platitudes like "it wasn't meant to be", or "the end of this will be the beginning of something better", occur. but they don't erase the pain i feel now, or the regret over the loss of a transcendent level of romance, emotional ease, and intellectual challenge. i know i'll survive, and thrive. as will she. i wish her only the best. how vivid are the memory of her laugh, her touch, the sight of her dancing eyes. J, i miss you.